I’m on day 5 of my cleanse.  I’ve lost 7 pounds already.  I’m going to be very much myself in this (and future posts), which means a little more crass humor, more puns, and more foul language.  Why?  Because I joke around, tell puns, and use (what some consider) offensive language in my daily communications.  I take on friends and clients that appreciate me for me, and since you’re reading my blog… we’re friend.  I guarantee you that the shit that I’m writing in THIS particular blog post is really awkward to tell a stranger (or even a friend), so… we’re friends, right?

Remember: I look for adventure, and I define adventure as “new experiences” -

Ok…. I mentioned a lot of this on my Monday night internet radio show (http://CouchSurfingRadio.com) – and maybe even in parts of my blog, but here’s the story:

I took a road trip From Austin, TX to South Beach, FL to Atlanta, GA to Mountainburg, AR and back to Austin, TX.  It was approximately 4,000 miles, and 2 weeks.  During that time, the majority of my food consisted of Taco Bell.  The girl loved Taco Bell, and I can’t argue, because (well, she’s hot, and I don’t want an angry passenger) that shit tastes good!

In this case, calling Taco Bell food “Shit” is very appropriate.  That stuff is so terrible for you! It’s fattening, it’s processed, it has practically no nutritional value, and I’ve never actually taken the time to consider how it might be prepared and by whom.  I don’t really care, it tastes awesome, they have locations everywhere, it’s inexpensive, it tastes good, and my hot passenger has an affection for it.

I get back to Austin, and I’m in a shitty mood…. Perhaps I should tone down my usage of “shitty” as the definition changes throughout the post. In this case, the definition is “not able to handle the stresses of life as well as usual, am in a foul mood, feeling depressed, feeling antisocial, doubting myself” – you know, that kind of stuff.

I did not like it one bit!

I tried to think about what had changed.  Sure, there was emotional stuff that had occurred on the trip, but generally I deal with stress extremely well. What had changed?

For one, I hadn’t exercised on the trip.  Not that I was a pro-athlete before, but I”d get the occasional jog in.  That of course reminded me that not only have I been eating poorly, and not exercising, but I also haven’t been taking supplementation.  Before I left I had actually made my own coconut kefir (Google Donna Gates, or get some of her products at http://www.bodyecology.com/ – she has cured Austism in many children by using fermented foods).  Kefir is a fermented beverage so… it’s a probiotic-  friendly bacteria that live in your intestines and help you with digestion, and many more bodily functions.  Just google it.

I was drinking my Kefir – which I had just begun to get comfortable with making it in different strengths – which involved chopping up many coconuts.  I would eat the coconut meat, drink some of the coconut water, use the coconut meat in smoothies (with Mangos, sunflower sprouts, avocado, etc), and even had various amino acids and minerals in pill form, as well as Omega 3 oils… which I hear help people with ADHD greatly (I’ve been accused many times of being ADHD, and unlike the prescription stuff, this stuff is healthy for you).

From that, to Taco Bell (it really was the majority of what we ate…)-  I did not like being miserable and unstable, and I was going to do something about it.  I started by going to Whole Foods downtown, and eating Raw Food (not raw meat… just organic foods that have been prepared at less than 115 degrees, if heated at all, thus keep the enzymes and life forces that the food originally had), drank Kombucha (a probiotic drink),  and I drank a lot of spring water (instead of  coffee or Mountain Dew).  That helped immensely!

Within a day or two, I was back to rational, and getting better quickly.  I then proceeded to order a cleansing kit from Blessed Herbs, based on Craig Allen’s recommendation.  This was better than just a recommendation though, as Craig had ordered the kit, as did his friend Jesse (who had replaced me as Craig’s couchsurfer when I left on my Florida trip!), as did another friend (who was not starting at the same time as the rest of us)

I learned last year – when I completed a 30 day raw food diet – that it is much easier to accomplish a task when you are doing it with other people.  So, while the rest of the world got a kick out of offering me cheeseburgers, Craig and Sue made me smoothies…. This was similar, I now have other people that are taking the same detox packets as me, drinking the same superfoods drinks as me, and popping poop-pusher pills at night… er… “Digestive Stimulator ™ ”

Despite being on house-sitting duty at another house, I spent most my week here at Craig’s, sleeping on the living room couch, rather than what was my room formerly.  Jesse was home most of the time, as was I, and like Craig, Jesse is very smart, so there was no shortage of stimulating conversation.

Our friend (and one of my former couches) David Gonzalez had a rebounder  (mini trampoline) in his garage, which Craig got in exchange for replacing busted springs on it.  This is good for clearing out the lymph system, which unlike the circulatory system does not have a constant flow to purge itself.  There was a lot of jumping and bouncing!

So, there we were… waking up, and making pitchers of Chocolate Bliss, adding in the Ultra Tocos, raw Vanilla Agave, and my favorite the Pristine Rainforest  Rush… but fuck that, my name for it is way more apt “Amazon Crack” “Rainbow Crack” and a couple other variations that really describe it.

The contents of that additive are: Guarana, Bee Pollen, Yerba Matte, Maca, Psyllium, Blue Green Algae, Grasses (Barley, Wheat, Alfalfa, Dandelion, Oan), and Sun Fire Salt (Good salt has tremendous health benefits).  Other ingredients (yes, these really are on the label): Love and Intention.

We drank that stuff all day, and every 3 hours we’d take a Toxin Absorber ™ — I got the Organic Ginger Root flavor, and Jessie and Craig got the Pepermint… which is way milder! That ginger messes you up when you inhale it!

The Toxin Absorber packs get poured into a 16oz jar of organic apple juice, we’d put the lid on the jar, and shake it. My method was to put the lid on the jar, and then jump a bunch on the rebounder while holding the jar.  That was fun!  What is it about the squeaking of springs that makes bouncing so fun?

That stuff is weird!  I left it sitting in the jar one time, while I conversed with Jesse.  It must have only been 2 minutes, but I sipped it instead of chugging it… I grabbed the jar, which was now filled with what looked like a sponge!

The packet contains a fine powder which is made of Psyllium seed husks (which are what expands so damn much), bentonite clay (which is amazing at absorbing about 40 times its mass in toxins), and Apple Pectin.  Suggested use: 8oz of apple juice for drinking this stuff, followed by 8oz of water.  I did 16 oz of juice, followed by 16oz of water.

The water we drink at Craig’s house is spring water.  I personally filled up these jugs in Canton.  There’s an artesian well (big PVC sticking out of the ground) there that I was told about.  You can find it, or one nearer to you, on http://findaspring.com – The shit that’s in your tap water is horrific!

Shall I dedicate a paragraph to that?  Why not?

There’s pharmaceuticals that get urinated out because the body doesn’t actually absorb and use 100% of all those whacky pills.  This includes birth control pills (which raise estrogen in men and women), hormones, anti depressants. These are too small to get filtered out by the water treatment plants, and even by your Britta Filter- and even if you boil your water to distill it, you still get a lot of this shit in your water.  Then of course, there’s the people who finish their cycle of meds, and rather than selling them to high-schoolers recreationally, they just flush them down the toilet!

I totally left out the part about the Flouride which is in your water.  This stuff is the main ingredient in most anti-depressants. The first documented use of Flouridating the drinking water was in Auschwitz.  Governments put them in water to keep people from rioting or getting too emotional. They tell you it’s good for your teeth, but google it… do your own research.  It’s actually horrific for your teeth, and there’s never been any good uses for Flouride other than as  a way to calm people.  Chlorine… well, it does kill a lot of bacteria, etc… but it is a poison, so that can’t be good for you.  There’s other stuff too- especially depending on where you are.  So, check out http://FindASpring.com or order some good spring water.  You can even test the water you get…. But this is not the blog post for that.

So, I got 7 5gallon jugs each of the last 2 times I went to Dallas.  Canton was sort of on the way back.  We’ve never used the water up as quick as we did this week while doing the colon cleanse.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the cleanse is spread into 3 phases… Phase 1 is the colon cleanse.  It is recommended to be on a liquid diet for the duration of that (and tonight is the last night of that phase for me.

Just in time too! Why?  Because Craig’s company is having a bunch of people come into town, so Craig is preparing all this Raw food.  As a matter of fact, he got a new food processor just for the occasion, and I am typing this out at 2am, because I am in charge of staying up till the raw corn chips are dry enough to flip over.  They are made with corn, almonds, shallots, onions, garlic, bell peppers, and many spices and herbs.  Yum!  That’s the best food I can think of to break a liquid diet (while still eating healthy for the cleanse).

I bought some Vibram 5-fingers too.  They are those shoes that look like gloves, but for your feet.  I’ll write a blog post about them.  You run more naturally, become faster/stronger in your running, and my personal observation, you have more fun!

Today was day 5 of the liquid diet and cleanse, and day 2 of having the Vibrams.  I ran/walked for about an hour.  Austin gets pretty hot, and I’m using muscles that I’m not used to (they come with a warning about that), so my calf muscles are a bit sore right now.  I am proud to report however that I’m down 7 pounds.

The reason you do a liquid diet during a cleanse is to have less stuff in your colon to clean out, to have less energy needed to digest, and thus have more energy to heal.  The point of a colon cleanse is to remove blockage and toxins.  The less toxins and blockage you have, the more nutrition you get out of the food you ingest, and the less energy is needed to deal with those toxins.

The way the detox packs work is that they expand, and softly scrape your colon lining, removing waste that has been attached there for years.  Addditionally, some of it sticks to the colon walls, and then peels off, taking the waste with it.

Jesse is in his early 40’s, and has done cleanses before.  Craig’s been doing them for about 4 years now too.  This is my 1^st.  They – and the instruction manual- both recommend colon hydrotherapy. This means that you get water up your ass somehow, and hydrate the colon. Things such as Colonics (Which contrary to the way it sounds, is not a refreshing beverage), or an enema.

I made a website a while back for Sue (http://BeWellWithSue.com) and she left me 2 colonics as a tip. I haven’t used them yet, but I hear that does an incredible job cleaning out your insides, and goes for about $100 per session.  I don’t have any details on that.

What I do have details on is an enema.  I’ve never had one before, and now I can tell you about it.  First of all, what is it? Where do you get the supplies? What do you need?  What does it do?

The interesting thing about doing something with other people is that getting enema supplies isn’t weird, despite that I’ve never had an enema conversation with people before.  Craig had a liver cleansing kit which came with some supplies, so he picked up enema kits for Jesse and me at Walgreens.

Yup,  I have a Walgreens brand Douche, Enema, and Water Bottle System.  Guess you best be careful which nozzle you put on that puppy, eh?

You get a water bottle- a pink bag that looks like a whoopee cushion (and is appropriately related), which comes with all sorts of attachments.  One of them is a hook, so you can hang it upside down, and it sends the water going through the hose (Another piece that came with it), through the crimp (so you can control on/off, or the rate), and out the nozzle of your choosing.

When you’re doing a cleanse, you are supposed to use water, but add to it either coffee or wheat grass.  I’m not 100% sure why.  When I asked why, I was told that the colon has a major vein going next to it, and thus there is often a transfer of nutrition between the 2, so coffee or wheat grass often help replenish some of the nutrients that are taken out.

Ahh! There it is!  http://coffee-enemas.com/coffee-enema-benefits – The wonders of Google.  Now we know some benefits: helps the liver detoxify the body, reduces formations of gall stones, also it is natural and low-cost.  I’m sure you can learn more with further research.

I’m the newbie here.  I’ve never done this before, and I certainly don’t have all the answers.  I trust these highly intelligent people that I have the privilege of calling my friends. I trust their experience and knowledge.  They say coffee, I make coffee.

You ever have coffee give you the shits before? Well.. this is gives that a whole new meaning!

First of all, choose a quality coffee.  This particular one we have here is  by Premier Research Labs, “Premier Coffee” – 100% organically Grown, Pure Vegan, 100% Organic, and Excellent For Use With Coffee Enemas.  It even has the instructions for a coffee enema on the side.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen that shit on the side of my Folgers, and a  Starbucks Venti Caramel Macchiato never quite sounded appealing for anal consumption.

Grind the beans, brew the coffee.  This doesn’t say to strain it, but we used a French press.  Oh, in case you’re wondering, we each have our own kit, and are not sharing any enema supplies.  I know someone out there was smirking and thinking that.

Speaking of smirking… So we’re in the kitchen.  Craig’s making his mix for the dehydrated raw corn chips (which I just flipped over, but I don’t think they were quite crunchy enough to flip just yet, so… I probably deformed a bunch of them! Sorry, but I don’t want to be up all night! I was told 1.5 hours, and that was 2.5.

So, we’re in the kitchen, my coffee is being brewed.  The other guys had already done their hydrotherapy.  My coffee is brewing, and Jesse says “Cream and Sugar with that?” har har.

My response:  No thanks, but thanks for the offer.

You know… that totally did not translate so well in writing.  Hmmmmm… that was a butt-sex joke, where the cream……  Yeah, you get it!

An enema bag (Walgreens edition) apparently can hold about 2 Litres.  You know those big bottles of soda you get?  That’s 2L.  Seems like a lot, doesn’t it?  Feels like a lot too!

The coffee got poured into a glass bottle (1/2 Gallon – we had plenty of them from all the apple juice we drank with our detox packets), permitted to cool, then poured into the water-bottle (red bag), and topped off with water.  You don’t want this shit (pun totally intended) to be too hot, or too cold.

I was shown how to operate the crimp.  I closed off the coffee in the bag, and was heading towards the bathroom.  The jokes continued, “Now you’ll be so much closer to your brother!”  Yes, my older brother is gay.  I’ve never asked him whether he gives or receives.  That’s his business.  However, should it ever come up, I can now say that I have had something shoved up my ass.  Though—not at this point in the story… not just yet.

Craig had recommended to run the hot water, so that the bathtub will be warmed up, and not feel so cold.  It is recommended to lay on your left side, as that’s where the colon is, and that way it is easier for the fluids to travel.

Why do it in the bath tub?

Well, the thing is, once you force 2L of coffee up your ass , you feel like you have the worst case of diarrhea ever!  Your colon is spazming up, and the urge to shit yourself is quite strong.  Whether that happens, or your ass-piece (I’m sure the nozzle has a more scientific name than that) slips out… if you’re in a bathtub, at least you can rinse everything down, especially yourself.

Stop wondering! That didn’t happen! I kept perfect control of my bowels… but it took a LOT of work!  We’re not at that point just yet.

The first step is getting the ass-nozzle up there.

A side note—just recently (and it’s not the first time) a girl told me that I need to learn tact…. i.e. when to shut the fuck up!  (These were her words….. and she’s right.) That may apply (a lot) to this blog post.

Lube.  You need (I suppose you don’t “need” but- probably “really want”) some lube to get that nozzle up there. I’m guessing it (the enema-kit nozzle)’s about 3 inches. There was a bowl of coconut oil already in the bathroom…. I used that.

There was a small relaxation brought about by the smell of coconut.  I’m a big fan of drinking or eating it, as well as cooking in  coconut oil.  This was a new use, but the smell was relaxing.

There was definitely a discomfort as the now-coconutty nozzle started it’s ascent up where the sun don’t shine.

I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to lay down on my side and then do it, or stand up and do it, or bend over and do it.  Personally, I can’t even remember which I did.. I think it was a combination of the 3.  I was hoping that the health benefits of this would be tremendous, and this be justified.

I had also thought of a date or two that I might owe an apology to!

The deed was done.  I had to reach around (yes, the joke possibilities never end when you’re writing about this sort of experience), and find the crimp to get things flowing.

Immediately I felt like I had to run to the bathroom.  I fought the urge, since I was in a bath tub, and didn’t want to be covered in my own shit (or anyone else’s to tell you the truth).

I sat there, gritting in discomfort.  I could feel the water  not only traveling inside me, but pushing my insides.  The pressure was NOT comfortable.

Other than fighting to keep my sphincter closed, my stomach started to hurt.  I was warned that I may get cramps, maybe this is what they meant.  My colon started to spaz out a little.  I was only ½ way through the bag!

I turned to my side, and sounded like a woman who’s birthing with my breathing.  A slight hyper ventilation was all I could do.  The guys were in the other room, and despite the fact that they did this earlier, and we’re having open discussions about it, I didn’t feel like grunting too loud, or gasping in pain loud enough to be heard.

The damn bathroom vent has a built in heater, so shuts itself off after a while.  I could not relay on that to make enough noise to give me cover, so.. breathing it was.

I was told to keep it in as long as I could “You know how you can pour water into a glass and scrub, and it’ll clean it, but if you let it soak for a while the stuff comes off much more easily?  Same thing here!”  * sigh * -

Tony Hsieh, one of my former couches, and CEO of Zappos.com had sent me an autographed pre-release copy of his new book, “Delivering Happiness- A path to profits, passion, and purpose” – this would be an embarrassing, but good time to start reading it.

Tony’s writing style and anecdotes were a great distraction, but as more coffee filled my guts, it got harder to read, or even hold the book.

The book went aside, and it was time to go purge some of this shit.

I pulled the nozzle out, and sprinted across the bathroom to the toilet.

I’m sure you don’t want the details, so I’ll just say that there was a lot of liquid, but with it came out solid waste as well, which came out very easily.  I had coffee inside me for 18 minutes when I sprinted to the john, and it was out of me way faster!

I grabbed the book, because it felt like there may be some more that may want to come out.  After a few pages, the coast felt clear.

I still had some coffee left, and no, I did not drink it!  I added a little more water, and did the “rinse and repeat” thing.

After the 2^nd evacuation, it was as if nothing happened.  I felt like myself again.  Like most things in life, the thought of the unknown is worse than the actual experience.  We make things out to be awful in our head.

Yes, there was a discomfort.  Yes, it sounds gross.  But I now have less toxins in my system, and I’m sure I got more of the detox packs’ clay and husks out than just drinking water, and trying to go to the bathroom would’ve done.

The bathroom had a scale.  I had only lost .8 of a pound.  I mentioned this… that I had expected to be 10 pounds lighter or something… and was told that the colon actually absorbs a lot of the water, as it’s made up of many membranes.

One other thing to note is that when you purge your colon and intestines, you’re getting rid of a lot of the microflora… so, getting a good probiotic is a good idea after a cleanse.

That’s my experience.  I’m still surprised that I’m sharing it with you…. But I know I had a lot of questions, so…. Hopefully this helps at least one person.

As for me, I can eat solid foods again as of daytime (to tell you the truth, I ate a little bit of chip-batter tonight while flipping the chips over… some of it just stuck to the sheets, so I used a knife, and licked it clean at the end), and there’s awesome raw food being made.

I start Step 2- Liver & Gallbladder, Para Cleansing – this is where I replenish some of the friendly bacteria in the body.  They are the body’s 1^st line of defense against disease, but also help keep bad bacteria from producing too many toxins.  The liver and Gallbladder rejuvenator is something I’m supposed to take now… if these organs are not cleaned out, the body can get toxic overload.

We all have parasites… even you!  So, there’s various components in the cleanse to kill those.  Parasites use nutrition that you ingest, as well as feed off your cells, and damage your organs.

More on that as I know what the hell I’m talking about.